Edgy

So far, Irtfa'a has not been an exercise in restraint. I would race to it in every spare moment, knitting away until my wrists ached with the strain. I raced through each row, each section, greedy for the next pattern. I found myself at stray moments imagining myself working on it. And I have thoroughly enjoyed every moment of anticipation, looking toward the day I can admire it, off the needles, blocked.

When I realized I was finally ready to begin the final edge section, I was nearly floating on the ceiling. It was 7pm. I had 3 more hours before bedtime. Plenty of time, added to the few hours before and after work, then the weekend, and I would surely be done by New Year. I think I may have even mentioned it in my last post. Well, that just goes to show you what I know.

What I know now is that there is lace and then there is lace. When I first started knitting, the whole decreases and yarnovers thing was way beyond me. The first time I had to sl1k2psso, my head nearly exploded. It was awful. But as will happen, in time I became proficient. Then I started understanding lace to the point where I could read the knitting, and I could even drop back a row and fix a missed yarnover. By the time Irtfa'a came along and I started dropping 6 or 8 rows back over 12 stitches and reknitting sections to make them better, I was getting downright cocky. Double yarnovers? Why not quintuple? What the hell, I am one bad ass honky mofo knitter. I knew I still did not sprechen zie Shetland, but I was still an intermediate level force to be reckoned with.

So when I started row one of the edging, I was cool. Another fun pattern to learn. A few easy rows to memorize and I'll be sailing through the last bits at Knitch on Sunday. Row two, wait a minute, there's yarnovers here too, I missed a row. No, I didn't, did I? Holy crap, what is this?

Not since the earliest days of my knitting adventures have I been so tensed up and, well, edgy about knitting. I can't relax into this, not yet, and I really am trying not to fight it as hard as I seem to be fighting it. There's pressure, too. I've gotten this far and I don't want to ruin the shawl, but I have never done this before and I can't tell what's going on at all. Fortunately, I am able to knit this well enough not to ruin the overall piece, but wow, the going is slow. I just hope that when I finally do catch on to this (undoubtedly in the last 3 repeats) it will not look so different that I will have to rip it all out and reknit it.

Don't get me wrong, the pattern is still brilliant. And it is beautiful. It just turned a little too brilliant for me. They say that which does not kill you will make you strong. I don't know who "they" are, but I'd like to smack "them" around a bit right about now. I'm not even going to tell you how many hours have gone into this little bit of knitting. But I will persevere. I am nothing if not stubborn.

Dear edge pattern, I really do love you, and I want this to work out, really I do. It isn't just the way you look, all feathery and perfect, it's more than that. If you were just another pretty pattern I'm sure we could have fun for a while, but you know as well as I do that relationships have to be built on more solid footing than looks alone. You are complex and challenging as well, and those only add to your charms, but I'm afraid I'm not ready to give what you need from me right now. It's not that I'm scared of commitment, that's not it at all. I just need time before I can jump into something this serious. I need you not to push me right now. I know that one day I will be ready, and when that day comes we will be happier together than either of us can imagine. I just need a little space now and then, and you can be a little intense at times. Look, it really isn't you, it's me, I admit that freely. And I know I may have led you on with my initial enthusiasm. In retrospect, that really wasn't fair of me. So can we step it back just a little bit? No, I'm not knitting anything else now, and I'm not looking to find another pattern. Really. I just need a little space, a little time, ok?